COURAGE, KIND HEART.

thoughts under a tree.

2012-02-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

You're the one that I want.

we are made of love.

2012-02-16T23:43:00.000-08:00

recently i've had the pleasure of playing with dear mr. ryan o'neal of sleeping at last. he's not only a really incredibly talented musician, but a very wise soul as well. thankful for his words and the amazing Papa that inspires Him.

"All the blood and all the sweat

That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand

That maybe Hollywood was right:
When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried,
The answers that we have been dying to find
Are all pieced together and, somehow,
Made perfectly mine.

We are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of love"

//needle and thread\\

///sleeping at last\\\

a stirring.

2012-02-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

photo via papertissue.

when it all seems too big, too scary, too much,

too grievous, too heavy.

be still.

and there I'll be.

with you. in all the places you are.

this truth

::m o r e t h a n e n o u g h f o r m e:::

hey, you.

2012-02-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

i've been pen pal-ing with my pop's best friend's son in korea. i got to sit and catch up

with their family when i was there a few months ago. i've seen them only a couple times in my life, but always feel so much warmth when i'm with them...from the way they loved my dad.

when i was 18 and my sweet dad went to see our Father, i was 18!! all i could think about was my own loss...my own tragedy, my own grief. but the older i get, and the more years that pass, the Lord

gives me glimpses into the loss that other people in my dad's life felt. recently, it's been

this friend of my father's. this man who loved, treasured, and cared for my dad in years

that my dad was making some pivotal decisions about who he would become and the life

he would set out to live. this friend watched and prayed faithfully, as my dad married my mom, began a family, and moved to a country far, far away. when his own family rebuked my dad for chasing dreams that fell out of line with his customary familial duties, this friend was who my dad turned to for prayer, support, and encouragement. and when my dad passed so suddenly,

this man grieved, thousands of miles away, the loss of his dearest friend. as i think about this dear friend, and the beauty of the way he loved my dad so faithfully, even now, i hear Jesus' promise to His very best friends on earth.

"...do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms (!!) if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the Way to the place where I am going."

-john 14:1-4

how to live.

2012-01-31T13:04:00.000-08:00

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

ecclesiastes 3:11-12.

here are some pictures taken on my pa's old film camera that i carry sometimes. these images are somewhat scattered, but nice reminders of so many different moments. many of these are taken in old french mountain towns. others in our quiet granny flat in provence, where i spent lots of afternoons inside, asking Jesus to inspire my dissertation writing. and some sweet images taking me back to jolly nights with friends in glasgow, and afternoon wanderings with my very dearest friend.

all of them remind me of how to live.

with Him.

la mer de pianos.

2012-01-24T14:42:00.000-08:00

La Mer de Pianos from Films & Things on Vimeo.

"but it's about finding a part so that a historic piano can sing again."

lately.

2012-01-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

“In those days, we finally chose to walk like giants and hold the world in arms grown strong with love. And there may be many things we forget in the days to come, but this will not be one of them.” -brian andreas.

bless them with your patience.

2012-01-23T19:08:00.000-08:00

I’ll be your Emmylou and I’ll be your June

and you’ll be my Gram and my Johnny too

you know I’m not asking much of you

just sing little darling sing with me.

so much i know that things just don’t grow

if you don’t bless them with your patience

and I’ve been there before

i held up the door for every stranger with a promise

but I’m holding back

that’s the strength that i lack

every morning keeps returning at my window

and it brings me to you and i won't just pass through

but I’m not asking for a storm...

it troubled me to trouble you.

2012-01-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the pain begins. If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything— it is a delight. But to those who do not love Him, our obedience does cost a great deal. If we obey God, it will mean that other people’s plans are upset. They will ridicule us as if to say, “You call this Christianity?” We could prevent the suffering, but not if we are obedient to God. We must let the cost be paid.

When our obedience begins to cost others, our human pride entrenches itself and we say, “I will never accept anything from anyone.” But we must, or disobey God. We have no right to think that the type of relationships we have with others should be any different from those the Lord Himself had (see Luke 8:1-3).

A lack of progress in our spiritual life results when we try to bear all the costs ourselves. And actually, we cannot. Because we are so involved in the universal purposes of God, others are immediately affected by our obedience to Him. Will we remain faithful in our obedience to God and be willing to suffer the humiliation of refusing to be independent? Or will we do just the opposite and say, “I will not cause other people to suffer”? We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but it will grieve our Lord. If, however, we obey God, He will care for those who have suffered the consequences of our obedience. We must simply obey and leave all the consequences with Him.

Beware of the inclination to dictate to God what consequences you would allow as a condition of your obedience to Him.

-oswald, 1.11

"we had the same feeling at opposite time"

2012-01-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

...speak clearly he said but didn't see

he acted that way and held me like a cup

fill me up and pour me out, they realize the doubt

we had the same feeling at opposite time...

first off, whoever broke feist's heart was a dummy. but the melodies that came out of it are woah-ing. so glad that feist made beauty out of tragedy.

given over; no giving up...

2012-01-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

park in berlin.

i want this year to be marked with a much deeper surrender of everything i have, i am, i want, and i know, to Him. all the things i've wrestled with, and all those things i've held too tightly, i give to Him...not because i'm sure of anything, but because He deserves it. He deserves more than i could possibly contain or be. i don't want to hold anything back from Him anymore...those things i felt i knew, that it turns out i really really didn't.

i have soundtracks for some of my dearests, and i hold those songs as runes in my heart, evidence of our times together, who they are to me, and who i learned to be for them. i hope that when the Lord thinks of me, this refrain swells up in His ears.

//you can have all this world. but give me Jesus.\\

promises for keeps.

2011-12-29T09:50:00.000-08:00

image via tumblr.

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

John 14:3

proceeding.

2011-12-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

despite its uncertainties and even its fair share of devastations, i'm so grateful for my life, and that it gets to be lived with Him. He makes weak places strong, the hurt places healed, the unknown things known. but trillions of lifetimes cannot fathom His mysteries. and.i.am.okay.with.that. it's for the unknown that we continue living...to see what may come of the next day, and to encounter the future. He's my unknown.

photo via here.

hungry for answers, but there's one answer only. everytime. everything. take it to Him.

2011-12-27T10:18:00.000-08:00

Our battles are first won or lost in the secret places of our will in God’s presence, never in full view of the world. The Spirit of God seizes me and I am compelled to get alone with God and fight the battle before Him. Until I do this, I will lose every time. The battle may take one minute or one year, but that will depend on me, not God. However long it takes, I must wrestle with it alone before God, and I must resolve to go through the hell of renunciation or rejection before Him. Nothing has any power over someone who has fought the battle before God and won there.

I should never say, “I will wait until I get into difficult circumstances and then I’ll put God to the test.” Trying to do that will not work. I must first get the issue settled between God and myself in the secret places of my soul, where no one else can interfere. Then I can go ahead, knowing with certainty that the battle is won. Lose it there, and calamity, disaster, and defeat before the world are as sure as the laws of God. The reason the battle is lost is that I fight it first in the external world. Get alone with God, do battle before Him, and settle the matter once and for all.

In dealing with other people, our stance should always be to drive them toward making a decision of their will. That is how surrendering to God begins. Not often, but every once in a while, God brings us to a major turning point— a great crossroads in our life. From that point we either go toward a more and more slow, lazy, and useless Christian life, or we become more and more on fire, giving our utmost for His highest— our best for His glory.

oswald chambers;;utmost for His highest.

may i be weaved in your hair.

2011-12-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

iron and wine; love & some verses.

!!!

2011-12-19T18:28:00.001-08:00

what a day.

first i had a really awesome interview with the folks at red hill, which reminded me of why i dream of opening up my own restaurant one day. i grew up working in my parent's restaurant, where i spent my weekends. but as much as i pretended like i hated it, my parents knew better. i loved the environment they created for their customers. they never put out a single advertisement. their business was built 100% on the relationships they developed through the years. in that time, our family saw our regulars get married, graduate, have children, celebrate birthdays, and even mourn losses. they expected my parents to ask them how they were doing, and knew that they actually cared. when my dad passed away, some of our regulars came to his funeral, and others left cards and flowers at our restaurant. our regulars were special people, and we were thankful to be a part of their days. i hope i can recreate that kind of magic for a community i call home one day.

after my interview, i dropped in to vivier & bentley and got to meet my favorite jewelry designer, kathryn bentley. i came away with these lovelies...which i've been smitten with for quite a while.

then! i ran into the candy store in old town pasadena, bc i had no change for the parking meter! look what i found!! stallion bubble gum cigarettes! i used to buy these from the ice cream trucks and hide them in my clothes drawers when i was a littttle girl. mumsie always found them. i always wondered how she knew, but i forgot back then, that she washed all my clothes and was in my dresser drawers 10x more than me. oops.

then there's these. my heart skipped a beat when i saw the box at my doorstep. i've been waiting for these steezies!!! i will have many adventures in these. oh, the things we will see, the places we will go, the mountains we will hike! today we wandered around the reservoir. tomorrow, who knows what we will see :)

Yes to me despite me.

2011-12-18T14:13:00.001-08:00

dry bones.

2011-12-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

lately i'm so homesick. but no place fills that void. el paso, waco, san diego, glasgow, la. none of these places are my true home. it's awakened in me a desperate hunger for the Kingdom come. i'm so desperate to taste that immense pleasure and comfort of finally just being with Who i was created for, to not question or live in fear, but to be in the depths of His security and grace. until then, He's made a way for me, to be with Him in the here and now. wherever i am. Spirit, come. these dry bones ache for You.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. -Revelation 21:4.

warm whistles.

2011-12-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

...how did so little of your time affect so much of mine?

"you're still in my drawer...

2011-12-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

secondary sources, to bring me news of you..."

-jillian edwards.

photo via: papertissue.tumblr.com

gusty night...

2011-12-01T01:30:00.000-08:00

...and then i remembered. how i could never forget.

loosed grips.

2011-11-29T19:49:00.000-08:00

...if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. -luke 9:23-24.

i would rather...

2011-11-28T22:35:00.001-08:00

i would rather spend my time getting my hands dirty in adventure with you,

than to spend it pampering and preserving hands that were made to turn rough as we use them to create.

i would rather spend my kisses on you,

a young thing, so full of dreams and possibilities,

than to mourn those old familiar things, that linger with me in quiet

mornings and fearful nights.

i would rather hold you prayerfully and remember how he held me.

the things to be.

2011-11-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

i am me. and you are you.

but tragically we cannot be we.

dreams visit me in my sleep.

they beckon me to believe things i've never seen.

helpless hearts grew braver,

blurry eyes grew stronger,

and hope grew in a heart to believe for things to be.

this picture is my woah.

2011-10-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

there are lots of pictures out there. and some of them are really really good. this one took my breath away. it kind of breaks my heart for reasons i can't explain. but i'm stuck on it.

life friends.

2011-09-10T14:27:00.000-07:00

some sweet parting moments shared with friends who will now always be a part of me.

introducing the dutchman to wayne's world. we're such good americans.

amaretto with the brothers avett.

one of the top 3 supper gatherings of my life. truthfully.

i swear, i think carly glows. she is special.

sweet daniele's special italian drink. a little too grown up tasting for me.

my favorite chef. chez jerrique.

focaccia heaven.

jerrique in action.

....a little break with our baroquial jumping jill!

a quick wipe-down from the italian sous chef...

...and a quick and quiet (maybe a bit awkward) break with mr. bonz later...

and VOILA! a stunning beetroot risotto.

daniele wonders if we can eat such a masterpiece. i concurred.

but then quickly ate with much jolly.

a few nights and one dissertation submittal later, this silliness led

straight up to my departure...

NO ONE. not even kelly chilton can keep a straight face after making THAT face...

i'm going to miss the bagelsmith house.

my favorite dutchman.

the yummiest drink i ever had. courtesy of a bagel sister.
the dutchman.

and a going away card full of puffy sweets stickers. dawny knows me.

i LOVE HER!

and my favvvvorite flour-free cake.

....all of this led straight through the night, practically right up to departure. these are life friends. ones that could make my heart burst....and the ones that made glasgow's bitter cold, sweet and warm. looking forward to a reuniting with these dear hearts soon.

a pitter patter heart.

2011-09-10T02:55:00.000-07:00

ringing in my ear, was this truth.

mercy triumphs over judgement.

and i thought of you. for the millionth time. i thought of you.

a year ago.

2011-08-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

a year ago i had no clue what and who glasgow would become to me. now there's a space in me that glasgow will always be responsible for, and faces that i'll cherish and long for. a year ago i trembled in my airplane seat, unsure of how or what overtook me, and led me to the city i'd never known. now i can't imagine having spent the last year of my life anywhere else. it seems foolish to be so sure of something, but some things you can't question because of how they've changed you and known you. glasgow has become one.

glasgow, i'll take with me forever.

everything led to now. now led to then.

2011-08-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

summer in france was perfect. i have this 30 second memory from one of our adventure filled days...it floats in and out of my mind, filling my spirit with the deeep warmth i felt in that moment. it was so warm in provence as we hitch hiked through country roads, and the three of us were in our thin summer dresses, letting most of our skin bare to the hot sun, our hair still damp from pool water and wrapped in braids. our backpack's straps buried themselves into our shoulders, but they felt light from the graciousness of adventure. we came to a tight overpass and knew we should run before the next speeding car approached...without words, we began to run...backpacks hitting our bums each time, almost pushing us on quicker into whatever it was that lay before us. i remember looking ahead of me at the two girls, the light from the sun speckling throughout as it glimmered on them through the tree branches, with their braids and dresses flying behind them...in the joy of summer's simplicity.

i'll return to that moment for a lifetime, thankful for everything that lead to that moment, and everything now that will follow.

i shouldn't wonder anymore, but i do.

2011-08-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

i still listen to the ocean...i listen to the waves...wondering if they're still whispering our story back to me.

young man.

2011-08-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

geez louise. colin caulfield. a big resounding >>yyyyyesssss<< to you.

i can't get enough of your lovvvvvely tunes, including this brilliant cover of my favorite beach house song...

holding on.

2011-08-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

via tumblr.

a year later...

2011-08-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

i started organizing my things today, preparing to leave scotland in a couple weeks. i sorted through stacks of postcards and letters from friends and family that have sustained me through this year, far away from home. but i also found what felt like relics from a year ago, when i was embarking on this journey. one of those is this scrap of paper, torn out of a journal entry that i wrote a year ago.

can't you?

2011-08-02T15:13:00.001-07:00

young.trouble

2011-08-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

YOUNG TROUBLE

We don’t pay much attention to the elderly.
Even though they probably know more than us
about what it all truly means.

Even when they’ve done something stellar
like helped win a war fifteen presidents ago
or built the first car
or outlived their entire families
with no special diet or exercise routine to speak of.

Even then we don’t give them much of our time
or try keep them around
close enough so we can listen.

Maybe it’s because they talk so slow
and move so slow
and we’re busy living so fast
scrambling about and trying to fit it all in
burning our youth at both ends
so by the time we get to their age
we’ll have all kinds of fantastic answers
to all kinds of amazing questions.
Fantastic answers to amazing questions…
that no one
will pay much attention to
at all.

-some food for thought by dallas clayton.

::photo from vivian maier collection::

idle ties.

2011-07-31T08:51:00.000-07:00

i walk alone, but i feel ya,

smiling upon me, i wonder

what you have drawn on your hands today,

runes to show you remember.

idle ties, ink and dyes,

woven arms, open wide,

you're with me tonight.

put on that tape that you made for me,

it's got marc bolan and vashti

ringin' my ear like a mission bell

come and go dive in the ink well

idle ties, ink and dyes,

sink and sigh,

token charms kept near by,

you're with me tonight.

now the wind answers your telephone,

come on, sing the city soft now

well it'll get to her once you're underground,

signal can't carry in the train down.

idle ties, sing and sigh,

open arms, open wide.

you're with me tonight.

vetiver; idle ties.

crazy excited.

2011-07-28T06:48:00.001-07:00

for the strings on this brilliant lady's new album. leslie feist. mad props.

hebrews 11:16.

2011-07-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one.

therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God,

for he has prepared a city for them.

hebrews 11:16

tell me no lies...

2011-07-15T06:26:00.000-07:00

hey you.

2011-07-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

image via: papertissue.tumblr.com

look for the learning.

2011-07-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

working on my dissertation perched on the windowsill in montmartre, listening to Bowerbirds, makes something that should be terrifying much too lovely. dear art & human rights, what a tremendous team you make <3 what wonderous change we can see through you. so much gratefulness to a Papa who calls and leads us to see such things...some so terrible and some so beautiful. but all real, and with us together, in this world.

"your face is all i saw"

2011-07-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Vetiver - Right Away by savagehector

right away, you looked like a good friend

like someone i knew when

i lived back in ohio, long ago

a full-filled room, i couldn't make it through

caught the sight of you as you headed for the door

thought i couldn't tell it seemed just as well not to know

i waved goodbye before i tried hello

the gallery felt crowded

i couldn't see the work upon the wall

your face was all i saw.

i wonder if we had...

anything at all.

vetiver-right away; errant charm.

picture via: papertissue.

you are the nightingale.

2011-06-13T09:36:00.001-07:00

i am the passing crow.

this song ministers to my heart.

i actually need this verse tattooed on my heart...

2011-06-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

since, then, you have been raised with Christ,

set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

...When Christ, who is your life, appears,

then you also will appear with him in glory...

colossians 3:1-4.

picture via: papertissue.tumblr.com.

no barriers.

2011-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

img via: papertissue.tumblr.com

radical face.

2011-05-08T16:11:00.001-07:00

i called my mumsie to say happy mother's day but quickly realized that she was in a somber mood. my radical mum spent her mother's day driving around alabama to see the wreckage that the tornado left behind. i sat on the phone with her while she prayed for the dozens that are still missing and those that are grieving the 300 others who've left this earth. what a crazy way to spend your mother's day. there are lessons waiting for me everyday in that dear lady. God assigned me a truly radical teacher.

calling down walls.

2011-05-08T03:12:00.000-07:00

"for He Himself is our peace, Who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing walls of hostility, by abolishing in His flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in Himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which He put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. for through Him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit." -ephesians 2:14-18.

spring visit to the shire.

2011-05-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

...go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,

hidden excitedly, containing laughter.

go, go, go, said the bird: human kind

cannot bear very much reality.

time past and time future

what might have been and what has been

point to one end, which is always present.

-t.s. eliot.

the light.

2011-04-22T09:20:00.001-07:00

"We must build our faith not on fading lights but on the Light that never fails. When important individuals go away we are sad, until we see that they are meant to go, so that only one thing is left for us to do— to look into the face of God for ourselves." -Oswald Chambers.

trees, oh trees. do you remember me? from before?

2011-04-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

photo taken in kelvingrove park.

I am Oak - On Trees and Birds and Fire by bsever

...

2011-04-19T17:37:00.001-07:00

pouvez-vous entendre mon coeur?

photo via: papertissue.tumblr.com

dearest chief,

2011-04-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

i cannot get enough of you.

swoon.

peter pan soup.

2011-04-17T05:12:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in the cozy pub downstairs from my flat right now. it's called the bon accord which translated means good fellowship...i know. it couldn't be more charming. but i'm here to work on my papers and soon as i walked in, i realized that there's a semi-cup game between the celtics (local glasgow football team) and aberdeen. this is serious business. i was a little worried that it'd be too loud to work on my paper but literally you can hear my computer keys typing in here...i'm realizing that getting rowdy and yelling at the screen is something that us amateurs in america do. in scotland, among the older scots, you can hear a pin drop when they watch football...because they mean business.

in other scottish adventure news...i asked the lovely lady at the bar what the soup of the day is and i thought she said "peter pan soup." i then proceeded to ask her if the peter pan soup is vegetarian and she responded...."no. PEA & HAM soup."

oh.

this is a dear man we came across in our adventures in stirling. dapper, no?

love is a mix tape vol. 13

2011-04-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

::::I used to live in a heartbeat city,

I swear I'd fall in love every minute on the street.

You might be walking around the corner

and our eyes might meet.

Where you been darling darling? Where you been darling darling?

Where you been darling darling, we've been holding this moment for you::::

-yAcht::psychic city.

photo taken in berlin.

a home away from home.

2011-04-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

today was such a good day. i've felt kind of weird about celebrating my birthday away from home. birthdays always make me feel kind of funny. the idea of celebrating yourself seems silly but back home it's always justified to myself as a celebration of the amazing people i've found myself blessed to be surrounded with, which is definitely worthy of a celebration. so the thought of celebrating it far far away from them took the charm out of it for me. so i planned a trip to iceland for myself as a time to be with God and to focus on all the amazing things to be thankful for. but i realized that it might not be the best time for me to go to iceland so i had to cancel my trip, which was a really difficult decision. but then these people happened. all of a sudden i find myself surrounded by these people whose lives and stories i want to know everything about. within a couple of short months they've grown quite deeply into my life. i already think about how i want to be sure that i'm keeping in touch with them in five years. already we have 1,273,652 inside jokes together. and already i am tremendously thankful for the people that they are and that they're playing a part in who i'm becoming. we headed out to stirling for a day trip today and packed a picnic! we peeked around in the lovely little town and eventually settled in the grassy knoll in front of the castle for a couple hours of picnicking and hilarious banter. all i kept thinking was how this was the best birthday present ever...these people...my home away from home.

c'est comme ça.

2011-04-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

photo taken in berlin.

FOLLICULAPHILIA.

2011-04-07T14:36:00.000-07:00

photo via: here.

WALLPAPER

2011-03-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

is something that the british do right. it's used so much more here (probably to cover up rotting walls of ancient tenement buildings). but it's pretty. i.like. it makes having to stay in and calligraphy all day not.so.bad. :)

...although our particular pattern makes me think of an old man's hawaiian shirt...? i'm searching high and low for a matching shirt to recreate this magic...

crafternoon...

2011-03-28T14:09:00.001-07:00

with the ladies on fridays is seriously becoming my favorite new thing.

these days.

2011-03-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

i forgot how much this song makes me think of good times. about long drives, quiet moments, great adventures, sweet discoveries, subtle but important thoughts, tremendous encouragements, radical hopefulness, questions, really happy laughs and deeply grateful longing. it's actually quite a sad song...but i guess the longing wouldn't be there, had the great moments not.

i hadn't listened to it in quite a while, and i'm thankful for the memories it brings because those memories are so alive even in these days...i find them everywhere. under trees, around the corner, in familiar songs blaring in the pub and brilliantly kind new friends. those memories are everywhere today...

love is a mix tape vol. 12

2011-03-28T04:46:00.001-07:00

burn slow, burning up the back wall
long roads, where the city meets the sky
most days, most days stay the sole same
please stay, for this fear it will not die

if i had a boat, i would sail to you
hold u in my arms, ask you to be true
once i had a dream, it died long before
now i’m pointed north, hoping for the shore

down low, down amongst the thorn rows
weeds grow, through the lillies and the vine
birds play, try to find their own way
soft clay, on your feet and under mine

breaking at the seams
heaving at the brace
sheets all billowing
the breaking of the day
sea is not my friend
seasons they conspire
still i choose to swim
slip beneath the tide

once i had a dream
once i had a hope
that was yesterday
not so long ago
this is not the end
this is just the world
such a foolish thing
such an honest girl

-james vincent mcmorrow

photo via: papertissue.tumblr.com

because of this one thing i'm sure...

2011-03-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

He who promised, is ever faithful.

foolishness in your eyes, but the only hope in mine.

passion.

2011-03-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

As a teenager
It is important to shake your fist at the gods
to run as far and as fast as you can into the dark
get lost, pass out, and wake up the next day
with a volume of new and troubling goals
and no plan whatsoever to help you achieve them.

As an adult
it is important to look back at how hard your fist shook
and how those gods still forgave you,
because they had been there too,
running and passing out,
and now that it is all here upon you
plan or no plan
those goals don’t seem nearly as troubling.

-dallas clayton.

so.in.love...

2011-03-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

with efterklang. i adore them and although i love music. it's been a while since something's come along to make me feel this much wonder.

you'll soon see why...

dear ijm,

2011-03-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

why are you so far from san diego?

dc...at least you have these.

for the non-facebookers...i.e. adam. ;)

2011-02-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

adam. you're pretty much the only person i know who follows this and is not on facebook. so i'm putting these up here for you! i took a little adventure into perthshire which is considered the gateway to the highlands. i got to stay with a really lovely scottish friend named anne. it was a dream. here's a look...

with all your ramblings about your mexican dog, i thought it necessary to include this one as well...

miss you, friend. hope you're staying radical and changing the world :)

moving on.

2011-02-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

something doesn't feel the same. but Hope's still here....giving me opportunity after opportunity to choose it.

and each choice i choose it, it's a choice to move on.

"how do i go on?" i've asked myself time and time again.

this is how.

one trembling yes at a time.

the war prayer...

2011-02-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

The War Prayer

by Mark Twain

It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came -- next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams -- visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation

*God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest! Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!*

Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory --

An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside -- which the startled minister did -- and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

"I come from the Throne -- bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import -- that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of -- except he pause and think.

"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two -- one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this -- keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

"You have heard your servant's prayer -- the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it -- that part which the pastor -- and also you in your hearts -- fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. the *whole* of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory--*must* follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

(*After a pause.*) "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!"

It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

love is a mix tape vol. 11

2011-02-20T17:21:00.000-08:00

\\\\\\\\\\living in that chest is a big, big heart....//////////

\\\\\\\one that i've known from the very start.///////

-love letter; lisa mitchell.

love is a mix tape vol. 10

2011-02-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

you're the memory now that lives across the world

while the wind howls low and tries to steal my hours.

you're the hooves that lead me through the forest...

-bowerbirds; hooves.

exciting update.

2011-02-13T08:16:00.000-08:00

momma posted me two very exciting gifts for valentine's day.

#1. a brand new backpack to use for my trek to school AND highland hikes!

#2. a camera to finally properly document my days.

she's the best.

and then this picture because well...i miss him. so much. but he's on his first trip to the homeland and that is quite exciting. praying everyday that Papa fills his eyes, ears and heart with Wonder.

i hear You.

2011-02-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

& i know that You are for me.

this morning...

2011-02-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

i thought about how silly we are for taking ourselves so seriously too often. i pondered on the significance of buoyancy in regards to ourselves and found it to be a trait that i must pursue in greater depth. i made an inventory in my mind of some of the world's most beloved figures and realized that they'd gotten where they did by putting great weight on everything but themselves. they knew that their lives were merely vapors, and so they spent their days with true passion but light hearts. most significant is the realization that when i take myself so seriously, i seem to be diminishing the weight i should put on the cross and the power i should surrender to the Lord. what makes my heart light again is remembering what a relief it is to let Papa take over for me. i don't ever have the answers anyways...not enough or not the right ones, at least. i might as well give it over to Him. it was too hard to pretend.

"let us not take ourselves too seriously. none of us have a monopoly on wisdom." -queen elizabeth.

sunburst.

2011-01-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

another one from dear lisa.

2011-01-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

sometimes your love, it's so pretty i just want to sink in...

sometimes your heart, well it's so pretty i just want to live there...

oh i wish i could bottle it up and breathe it back like valium

sometimes your heart, well it's so pretty i just want to live there.

so when i find a scientist to help me

and if i meet the Maker of all the universe

i'll ask Him why we're here and what we're here for

and i'll tell Him all the stories about our little world

well i've been waiting, i've been waiting...

sometimes your love, it's so quiet i don't even need to speak

sometimes your heart, it's so loud that i can't even hear it beat

oh i wish i could bottle it up and breathe it back like valium

sometimes your heart, it's so quiet i don't even need to speak...

two things cannot be.

2011-01-26T14:23:00.001-08:00

two things can't occupy the same space at the same time.

so i choose You.

go on and love her, love her forever...

2011-01-26T06:22:00.000-08:00

crazy how i feel, living without you...inside this house that we built. seems like the windows finally opened, letting the memories out. go on and love her love her forever, i will not tell her i told you to. you'll never know dear, how much i love you, lovin's for fools. love is for fools.

maybe you'll find me walking in the garden, looking for something pure. roots that are growing deeper and deeper. maybe you'll pull them too. go on and love her, love her forever. i will not tell her i told you to. you'll never know dear, how much i love you, lovin's for fools. love is for fools.

oswald strikes again...

2011-01-25T09:04:00.000-08:00

Paul was devoted to a Person not to a cause. He was absolutely Jesus Christ's, he saw nothing else, he lived for nothing else. "For I determined not to know anything among you, save Jesus Christ, and Him crucified."

more good advice...

2011-01-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

"keep your life so constant in its contact with God that His surprising power may break out on the right hand and on the left. always be in a state of expectancy, and see that you leave room for God to come in as He likes."

thanks, oswald.

postcard to matthew.

2011-01-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

row, row, row your boat.

2011-01-19T06:23:00.000-08:00

i wake up some mornings and find that it's going to be a scissor day. a day when words that had been lying dormant in me wake up and look me in the face...telling me it's time to move. they begin to fill my heart with all kinds of aching again. so i have to cut even more of you out of me if i want to get any further down the stream. but these scissors are so heavy to hold.

solitary.

2011-01-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him.
-Soren Kierkegaard

hmmm...

2011-01-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

no sleep. i'm trying. but there's none there for me. so i'm just sitting here with tea and my dear soul sissie, lisa.

in earnest...again.

2011-01-10T15:53:00.001-08:00

these were my new year's resolutions last year. when i read them again, instead of a sense of accomplishment, i felt a resolve to pursue them deeper. so here's to my list. earnestly. again. and this picture is by my kelle-belle. my friendship with her has been a blessing in developing the second thing on this list. grateful for you, dear. ALLways.

asking and working for the resolve to:

refuse the growth of apathy in the pursuit of Truth and be devoted to the growth in depth and width of this Truth.

learn of gratitude that does not die at words, but changes oneself. to express this gratitude relentlessly.

be aware of those that surround oneself, to continue in the pursuit of knowing them, and to give them the space to be their unique self.

develop the emotion of longing for the absent into hoping for their joy.

grow this list in the pursuit of the preceding.

em forster.

2011-01-03T23:09:00.000-08:00

It is the vice of a vulgar mind to be thrilled by bigness, to think that a thousand square miles are a thousand times more wonderful than one square mile, and that a million square miles are almost the same as heaven.

still.

2010-12-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

"just enough dark to see. how You're the Light over me."

-tallest man on earth; the dreamer

to my little dancer in chicago...

2010-11-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

thinking of you...

a picture into my "then."

2010-11-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

yes, please :)

a proud momma, fighting for human rights.

this is hanne dahl from denmark, voting on paternal rights.

via: here.

love is a mix tape vol. 9

2010-11-21T06:38:00.000-08:00

"don't hold back. all your love."

"i would say that i'm sorry. if it would do any good. but to never regret means you have to forget, and i don't think that i could."

01 Please Speak Well Of Me/The Weepies by suzylee

fight the fatigue.

2010-11-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

because one could not be made up of only ideals. one needed a heart to go with those ideals. one needed hopes, dreams, fears, and stories to be real.

winter's coming...

2010-11-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

the land of enchantment.

2010-11-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

hoping to spend a good amount of time in new mexico while i'm home this winter. verrrrry excited and i'm quite sure that those desert sunsets have good things in store for this soul.

the heart. it melted, til it could be seen no more.

2010-10-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

"in missionary enterprise the great danger is that God's call is effaced by the needs of the people until human sympathy absolutely overwhelms the meaning of being sent by Jesus. the needs are so enormous, the conditions so perplexing, that every power of mind falters and fails. we forget that the one great reason underneath all missionary enterprise is not first the elevation of the people, nor the education of the people, nor their needs; but first and foremost the command of Jesus Christ - "go ye therefore, and teach all nations."

when looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say - what wonderfully astute wisdom they had! how perfectly they understood all God wanted! the astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. we give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God's wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God." -oswald chambers; my utmost for His highest.

photo credit: xraygary. :)

dear heart,

2010-10-17T17:23:00.000-07:00

dear heart, today was another day. tomorrow will be another.

in each i beg of you to grow and change.

in each, i beg of you to rearrange.

dear heart, we received good news today.

our dear friend grace had things to say...

it looks like he's coming. and he's coming back to stay.

love is a mix tape vol. 8

2010-10-03T14:42:00.001-07:00

fences claim they can separate

the ownership of landscape

and the street lights shine

and the sprinklers run all night

behind suburban walls and tall gates

but a breeze decides

if a seed will bloom or die

scatter out and multiply

and when rain comes through

to tap dance on my roof

i'm stuck but i am satisfied. to stay in.

oh river we are grieving, we've lost surprise here

our fruits are out of season, we sell them all year

we flee from fear.

and the days grow long

and sunshine is our song

the hot light makes our skin tight

and the house stays warm

so we sleep on the porch

and hope the stars will stay in our eyes

through winter

oh river come and take me

and make my eyes new

i'm tired of resisting

i've tried to bend you

we're afraid to see the blue lines

lead to the blue sea

cause we spend all of our time

trying to be something. more than something.

but there were fireflies in brooke's backyard that night

we fought the hot july in brooklyn with white wine

and to think that i'd been spending all my time

believing i decide what falls before my eyes

all we're after anymore is self control.

but we have to trade our wonder for it, we grow cold.

oh river, wash me deep. down to the sea and let it wash me over.

-joel p west; we sleep on the porch.

love is a mix tape vol. 7

2010-09-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

i've become quite ill in the past few days and i have to admit that it has been a huge struggle. the pain's been so intense at times that i feel consciousness beginning to shut down. but i've been reminded of what God can do in times of such powerlessness. at one point in the middle of experiencing severe waves of pain, i felt like i heard a voice saying "where is He now?" and immediately i was able to answer..."He's next to me." although the pain has been unbearable at times, He's made His presence known to me, and the kindness of His presence is what's getting me through. here's a song that i've had to listen to over and over again to push through.

i'd like to preface these lyrics by saying that i've capitalized the O in our because these lyrics to me, don't mean that God is on our (Christian's) side. the God i believe in is bigger than that. the Heart i put my trust in is far larger than that. regardless of whether you're a Christian or not, i believe that He is on Our (as a collective whole) side.

God is Our refuge and Our strength.

He is the power in Our weakness.

He gives new mercy everyday

and gives Us grace enough to free Us

though the mountains fall and the earth decay

We will not fear, Lord.

We hope in Your name.

hallelujah, God is on Our side.

so in the stillness i will wait

you are my hiding place

i find rest in you.

-jimmy robeson; God is on our side.

good day pbj.

2010-09-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

today was the stuff of dreams. not the kind of dreams that are made of lies and false ideals, but the stuff of dreams that builds and grows oneself. the kind of day that isn't even over and you feel full for the hope it contains and the lessons it's bringing. the kind of day that makes one conscious of how thankful they must be for not only this day, but each that has preceded, and each that will follow. it was the kind of day that makes the days that preceded rather important to reflect upon and the days to come real and approaching quite quickly.

it started with the realization that i have this feeling that is growing into a beautiful thing inside of me....it's the feeling of standing in front of something very big...and thinking that i may be beholding a big part of what i was created for. this life of academia once sounded pretentious and stuffy to me, but now i see that if i go forward with a trembling fear of those two beasts, i may find something quite worth finding.

by lunchtime, i had the pleasure of sitting with a new friend from germany. he suggested going to eat at the 2nd floor of the Fraser building, which is the equivalent of our university's cafeteria. i didn't question it directly, but i thought about all the yummy places surrounding the uni that we could go to instead, but thought to myself that who i'm eating with should matter more than what or where i'm eating. as we talked, i asked him if he got to see much of the city and he replied with this..."not so much the city, but the people are of more importance. there are so many people." and i realized then that sebastian was at a place that i want to be, a place i'm pursuing returning to....where it couldn't matter how beautiful or hideous, fragrant or stinky, far or close any place is. a place where the people are of utmost importance. a place where the experience is of utmost value.

and so now...as i prepare to read the night away for a class that i'm so excited and honored to be a part of...this pbj sandwich couldn't be sweeter.

today was a lovely day. it was the stuff of dreams...

look up.

2010-09-21T07:02:00.000-07:00

for too many days, i've been walking through both loud and busy streets as well as quiet and still ones...carrying the weight of heavy eyes. they carry the weight of tears born in shame, pain, and hurt. that weight pushed into my heart. but slowly...i can feel them shifting...i can feel the weight lifting. i can feel them slowly but surely, looking up...and what lovely things abide up there. and the heart so follows...slowly looking up to behold Love.

love is a mix tape vol. 6

2010-09-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

So if you want to get to know me,
follow my smile into it's curves
All these lines are born in sorrows and in pleasures,
and every man ends up with the face that he deserves.

-dawes; when you call my name.

love is a mix tape vol. 5

2010-09-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

"You sleep like a kid with one hand stuck fast to the side of your face. Backside in the air, mouth half open, but still filled with grace. And you seem so happy as your skin turns the colour of a violet-golden sky. And it cuts me up when we fight and go to bed facing opposite sides. You're like gasoline. You're like the willow tree. You're like a split-screen. But you're the green in me."-admiral fallow, dead against smoking.

dead against smoking-admiral fallow by suzylee