it troubled me to trouble you.

If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the pain begins. If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything— it is a delight. But to those who do not love Him, our obedience does cost a great deal. If we obey God, it will mean that other people’s plans are upset. They will ridicule us as if to say, “You call this Christianity?” We could prevent the suffering, but not if we are obedient to God. We must let the cost be paid.

When our obedience begins to cost others, our human pride entrenches itself and we say, “I will never accept anything from anyone.” But we must, or disobey God. We have no right to think that the type of relationships we have with others should be any different from those the Lord Himself had (see Luke 8:1-3).

A lack of progress in our spiritual life results when we try to bear all the costs ourselves. And actually, we cannot. Because we are so involved in the universal purposes of God, others are immediately affected by our obedience to Him. Will we remain faithful in our obedience to God and be willing to suffer the humiliation of refusing to be independent? Or will we do just the opposite and say, “I will not cause other people to suffer”? We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but it will grieve our Lord. If, however, we obey God, He will care for those who have suffered the consequences of our obedience. We must simply obey and leave all the consequences with Him.

Beware of the inclination to dictate to God what consequences you would allow as a condition of your obedience to Him.

-oswald, 1.11

"we had the same feeling at opposite time"

...speak clearly he said but didn't see

he acted that way and held me like a cup

fill me up and pour me out, they realize the doubt

we had the same feeling at opposite time...

first off, whoever broke feist's heart was a dummy. but the melodies that came out of it are woah-ing. so glad that feist made beauty out of tragedy.

given over; no giving up...

park in berlin.

i want this year to be marked with a much deeper surrender of everything i have, i am, i want, and i know, to Him. all the things i've wrestled with, and all those things i've held too tightly, i give to Him...not because i'm sure of anything, but because He deserves it. He deserves more than i could possibly contain or be. i don't want to hold anything back from Him anymore...those things i felt i knew, that it turns out i really really didn't.

i have soundtracks for some of my dearests, and i hold those songs as runes in my heart, evidence of our times together, who they are to me, and who i learned to be for them. i hope that when the Lord thinks of me, this refrain swells up in His ears.

//you can have all this world. but give me Jesus.\\

promises for keeps.

image via tumblr.

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

John 14:3

proceeding.

despite its uncertainties and even its fair share of devastations, i'm so grateful for my life, and that it gets to be lived with Him. He makes weak places strong, the hurt places healed, the unknown things known. but trillions of lifetimes cannot fathom His mysteries. and.i.am.okay.with.that. it's for the unknown that we continue living...to see what may come of the next day, and to encounter the future. He's my unknown.

photo via here.

hungry for answers, but there's one answer only. everytime. everything. take it to Him.

Our battles are first won or lost in the secret places of our will in God’s presence, never in full view of the world. The Spirit of God seizes me and I am compelled to get alone with God and fight the battle before Him. Until I do this, I will lose every time. The battle may take one minute or one year, but that will depend on me, not God. However long it takes, I must wrestle with it alone before God, and I must resolve to go through the hell of renunciation or rejection before Him. Nothing has any power over someone who has fought the battle before God and won there.

I should never say, “I will wait until I get into difficult circumstances and then I’ll put God to the test.” Trying to do that will not work. I must first get the issue settled between God and myself in the secret places of my soul, where no one else can interfere. Then I can go ahead, knowing with certainty that the battle is won. Lose it there, and calamity, disaster, and defeat before the world are as sure as the laws of God. The reason the battle is lost is that I fight it first in the external world. Get alone with God, do battle before Him, and settle the matter once and for all.

In dealing with other people, our stance should always be to drive them toward making a decision of their will. That is how surrendering to God begins. Not often, but every once in a while, God brings us to a major turning point— a great crossroads in our life. From that point we either go toward a more and more slow, lazy, and useless Christian life, or we become more and more on fire, giving our utmost for His highest— our best for His glory.

oswald chambers;;utmost for His highest.

may i be weaved in your hair.

iron and wine; love & some verses.

!!!

what a day.

first i had a really awesome interview with the folks at red hill, which reminded me of why i dream of opening up my own restaurant one day. i grew up working in my parent's restaurant, where i spent my weekends. but as much as i pretended like i hated it, my parents knew better. i loved the environment they created for their customers. they never put out a single advertisement. their business was built 100% on the relationships they developed through the years. in that time, our family saw our regulars get married, graduate, have children, celebrate birthdays, and even mourn losses. they expected my parents to ask them how they were doing, and knew that they actually cared. when my dad passed away, some of our regulars came to his funeral, and others left cards and flowers at our restaurant. our regulars were special people, and we were thankful to be a part of their days. i hope i can recreate that kind of magic for a community i call home one day.

after my interview, i dropped in to vivier & bentley and got to meet my favorite jewelry designer, kathryn bentley. i came away with these lovelies...which i've been smitten with for quite a while.

then! i ran into the candy store in old town pasadena, bc i had no change for the parking meter! look what i found!! stallion bubble gum cigarettes! i used to buy these from the ice cream trucks and hide them in my clothes drawers when i was a littttle girl. mumsie always found them. i always wondered how she knew, but i forgot back then, that she washed all my clothes and was in my dresser drawers 10x more than me. oops.

then there's these. my heart skipped a beat when i saw the box at my doorstep. i've been waiting for these steezies!!! i will have many adventures in these. oh, the things we will see, the places we will go, the mountains we will hike! today we wandered around the reservoir. tomorrow, who knows what we will see :)

Yes to me despite me.

dry bones.

lately i'm so homesick. but no place fills that void. el paso, waco, san diego, glasgow, la. none of these places are my true home. it's awakened in me a desperate hunger for the Kingdom come. i'm so desperate to taste that immense pleasure and comfort of finally just being with Who i was created for, to not question or live in fear, but to be in the depths of His security and grace. until then, He's made a way for me, to be with Him in the here and now. wherever i am. Spirit, come. these dry bones ache for You.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. -Revelation 21:4.

warm whistles.

...how did so little of your time affect so much of mine?

"you're still in my drawer...

secondary sources, to bring me news of you..."

-jillian edwards.

photo via: papertissue.tumblr.com

gusty night...

...and then i remembered. how i could never forget.

loosed grips.

...if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. -luke 9:23-24.

i would rather...

i would rather spend my time getting my hands dirty in adventure with you,

than to spend it pampering and preserving hands that were made to turn rough as we use them to create.

i would rather spend my kisses on you,

a young thing, so full of dreams and possibilities,

than to mourn those old familiar things, that linger with me in quiet

mornings and fearful nights.

i would rather hold you prayerfully and remember how he held me.

the things to be.

i am me. and you are you.

but tragically we cannot be we.

dreams visit me in my sleep.

they beckon me to believe things i've never seen.

helpless hearts grew braver,

blurry eyes grew stronger,

and hope grew in a heart to believe for things to be.

this picture is my woah.

there are lots of pictures out there. and some of them are really really good. this one took my breath away. it kind of breaks my heart for reasons i can't explain. but i'm stuck on it.

life friends.

some sweet parting moments shared with friends who will now always be a part of me.

introducing the dutchman to wayne's world. we're such good americans.

amaretto with the brothers avett.

one of the top 3 supper gatherings of my life. truthfully.

i swear, i think carly glows. she is special.

sweet daniele's special italian drink. a little too grown up tasting for me.

my favorite chef. chez jerrique.

focaccia heaven.

jerrique in action.

....a little break with our baroquial jumping jill!

a quick wipe-down from the italian sous chef...

...and a quick and quiet (maybe a bit awkward) break with mr. bonz later...

and VOILA! a stunning beetroot risotto.

daniele wonders if we can eat such a masterpiece. i concurred.

but then quickly ate with much jolly.

a few nights and one dissertation submittal later, this silliness led

straight up to my departure...

NO ONE. not even kelly chilton can keep a straight face after making THAT face...

i'm going to miss the bagelsmith house.

my favorite dutchman.

the yummiest drink i ever had. courtesy of a bagel sister.
the dutchman.

and a going away card full of puffy sweets stickers. dawny knows me.

i LOVE HER!

and my favvvvorite flour-free cake.

....all of this led straight through the night, practically right up to departure. these are life friends. ones that could make my heart burst....and the ones that made glasgow's bitter cold, sweet and warm. looking forward to a reuniting with these dear hearts soon.

a pitter patter heart.

ringing in my ear, was this truth.

mercy triumphs over judgement.

and i thought of you. for the millionth time. i thought of you.

a year ago.

a year ago i had no clue what and who glasgow would become to me. now there's a space in me that glasgow will always be responsible for, and faces that i'll cherish and long for. a year ago i trembled in my airplane seat, unsure of how or what overtook me, and led me to the city i'd never known. now i can't imagine having spent the last year of my life anywhere else. it seems foolish to be so sure of something, but some things you can't question because of how they've changed you and known you. glasgow has become one.

glasgow, i'll take with me forever.