still.

"just enough dark to see. how You're the Light over me."

-tallest man on earth; the dreamer

to my little dancer in chicago...

thinking of you...

a picture into my "then."

yes, please :)

a proud momma, fighting for human rights.

this is hanne dahl from denmark, voting on paternal rights.

via: here.

love is a mix tape vol. 9

"don't hold back. all your love."

"i would say that i'm sorry. if it would do any good. but to never regret means you have to forget, and i don't think that i could."

01 Please Speak Well Of Me/The Weepies by suzylee

fight the fatigue.

because one could not be made up of only ideals. one needed a heart to go with those ideals. one needed hopes, dreams, fears, and stories to be real.

winter's coming...

the land of enchantment.

hoping to spend a good amount of time in new mexico while i'm home this winter. verrrrry excited and i'm quite sure that those desert sunsets have good things in store for this soul.

the heart. it melted, til it could be seen no more.

"in missionary enterprise the great danger is that God's call is effaced by the needs of the people until human sympathy absolutely overwhelms the meaning of being sent by Jesus. the needs are so enormous, the conditions so perplexing, that every power of mind falters and fails. we forget that the one great reason underneath all missionary enterprise is not first the elevation of the people, nor the education of the people, nor their needs; but first and foremost the command of Jesus Christ - "go ye therefore, and teach all nations."

when looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say - what wonderfully astute wisdom they had! how perfectly they understood all God wanted! the astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. we give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God's wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God." -oswald chambers; my utmost for His highest.

photo credit: xraygary. :)

dear heart,

dear heart, today was another day. tomorrow will be another.

in each i beg of you to grow and change.

in each, i beg of you to rearrange.

dear heart, we received good news today.

our dear friend grace had things to say...

it looks like he's coming. and he's coming back to stay.

love is a mix tape vol. 8

fences claim they can separate

the ownership of landscape

and the street lights shine

and the sprinklers run all night

behind suburban walls and tall gates

but a breeze decides

if a seed will bloom or die

scatter out and multiply

and when rain comes through

to tap dance on my roof

i'm stuck but i am satisfied. to stay in.

oh river we are grieving, we've lost surprise here

our fruits are out of season, we sell them all year

we flee from fear.

and the days grow long

and sunshine is our song

the hot light makes our skin tight

and the house stays warm

so we sleep on the porch

and hope the stars will stay in our eyes

through winter

oh river come and take me

and make my eyes new

i'm tired of resisting

i've tried to bend you

we're afraid to see the blue lines

lead to the blue sea

cause we spend all of our time

trying to be something. more than something.

but there were fireflies in brooke's backyard that night

we fought the hot july in brooklyn with white wine

and to think that i'd been spending all my time

believing i decide what falls before my eyes

all we're after anymore is self control.

but we have to trade our wonder for it, we grow cold.

oh river, wash me deep. down to the sea and let it wash me over.

-joel p west; we sleep on the porch.

love is a mix tape vol. 7

i've become quite ill in the past few days and i have to admit that it has been a huge struggle. the pain's been so intense at times that i feel consciousness beginning to shut down. but i've been reminded of what God can do in times of such powerlessness. at one point in the middle of experiencing severe waves of pain, i felt like i heard a voice saying "where is He now?" and immediately i was able to answer..."He's next to me." although the pain has been unbearable at times, He's made His presence known to me, and the kindness of His presence is what's getting me through. here's a song that i've had to listen to over and over again to push through.

i'd like to preface these lyrics by saying that i've capitalized the O in our because these lyrics to me, don't mean that God is on our (Christian's) side. the God i believe in is bigger than that. the Heart i put my trust in is far larger than that. regardless of whether you're a Christian or not, i believe that He is on Our (as a collective whole) side.

God is Our refuge and Our strength.

He is the power in Our weakness.

He gives new mercy everyday

and gives Us grace enough to free Us

though the mountains fall and the earth decay

We will not fear, Lord.

We hope in Your name.

hallelujah, God is on Our side.

so in the stillness i will wait

you are my hiding place

i find rest in you.

-jimmy robeson; God is on our side.

good day pbj.

today was the stuff of dreams. not the kind of dreams that are made of lies and false ideals, but the stuff of dreams that builds and grows oneself. the kind of day that isn't even over and you feel full for the hope it contains and the lessons it's bringing. the kind of day that makes one conscious of how thankful they must be for not only this day, but each that has preceded, and each that will follow. it was the kind of day that makes the days that preceded rather important to reflect upon and the days to come real and approaching quite quickly.

it started with the realization that i have this feeling that is growing into a beautiful thing inside of me....it's the feeling of standing in front of something very big...and thinking that i may be beholding a big part of what i was created for. this life of academia once sounded pretentious and stuffy to me, but now i see that if i go forward with a trembling fear of those two beasts, i may find something quite worth finding.

by lunchtime, i had the pleasure of sitting with a new friend from germany. he suggested going to eat at the 2nd floor of the Fraser building, which is the equivalent of our university's cafeteria. i didn't question it directly, but i thought about all the yummy places surrounding the uni that we could go to instead, but thought to myself that who i'm eating with should matter more than what or where i'm eating. as we talked, i asked him if he got to see much of the city and he replied with this..."not so much the city, but the people are of more importance. there are so many people." and i realized then that sebastian was at a place that i want to be, a place i'm pursuing returning to....where it couldn't matter how beautiful or hideous, fragrant or stinky, far or close any place is. a place where the people are of utmost importance. a place where the experience is of utmost value.

and so now...as i prepare to read the night away for a class that i'm so excited and honored to be a part of...this pbj sandwich couldn't be sweeter.

today was a lovely day. it was the stuff of dreams...

look up.

for too many days, i've been walking through both loud and busy streets as well as quiet and still ones...carrying the weight of heavy eyes. they carry the weight of tears born in shame, pain, and hurt. that weight pushed into my heart. but slowly...i can feel them shifting...i can feel the weight lifting. i can feel them slowly but surely, looking up...and what lovely things abide up there. and the heart so follows...slowly looking up to behold Love.

love is a mix tape vol. 6

So if you want to get to know me,
follow my smile into it's curves
All these lines are born in sorrows and in pleasures,
and every man ends up with the face that he deserves.

-dawes; when you call my name.

love is a mix tape vol. 5

"You sleep like a kid with one hand stuck fast to the side of your face. Backside in the air, mouth half open, but still filled with grace. And you seem so happy as your skin turns the colour of a violet-golden sky. And it cuts me up when we fight and go to bed facing opposite sides. You're like gasoline. You're like the willow tree. You're like a split-screen. But you're the green in me."-admiral fallow, dead against smoking.

dead against smoking-admiral fallow by suzylee

love is a mix tape vol. 4

"He's brought me to the wilderness where i will learn to sing

and He lets me know my barrenness so i will learn to Lean." -laura hackett; beautiful Mercy.

Beautiful Mercy-Laura Hackett by suzylee

love is a mix tape vol. 3

I've locked up these words,

in fear that I'd say them wrong.

Is it love as a mountain, or love as a simple song?

And the moment that the two meet

has now laid itself at your feet.

And love is not convenient; it does not cease at your command.

You might take and leave it, but love is all I am.

Love is all I am.

-love is all i am; dawes.

love is a mix tape vol. 2

"it's that sinking feeling of being alone.

and it's the way it makes you screech

and pulls the skin off your bones

and i can't help but think, as i pick my mouth off the floor,

will you still know me in a year?"

-admiral fallow; squeeling pigs

img via: papertissue.tumblr.com

love is a mix tape vol. 1

"when we've been There for ten thousand years, our song will be the same. praise to the One who has brought us Here, Jesus is His name."

-phil wickham, in your city.

img via papertissue.tumblr.com

can't get you off of my heart.

there are lyrics that are alive inside of me. they're breathing deep inside me. they affect the way i look at things, the pace of my step, and the way i go about my days. they're more than a catchy line to me. somewhere deep in me, Papa created a home for not just any fancy lyric, but the real special ones. Papa knew that if He created a place for them there, one day in the right place, time, and context, those little words had His power to change me. so there are lots of things i could tell you about my days in glasgow, lots of pictures i could show you of buildings that millions before me have seen...but i don't think anything quite sums up my days as these lines. so here, i'll begin sharing them with you. in a series named after my favorite book, love is a mix tape.

"The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with — nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and they can add up to the story of a life." -rob sheffield, love is a mix tape.

oh, christian.

so love this man. counting down days before i see him again in november.

but don't worry, i am not the bread and the knife. you will always be the bread and the knife.

they should triumph.

"it so happened that lucy, who found daily life rather chaotic, entered a more solid world when she opened the piano. she was then no longer either deferential or patronizing; no longer either a rebel or a slave. the kingdom of music is not the kingdom of this world; it will accept those whom breeding and intellect and culture have alike rejected....she was no dazzling executante; her runs were not at all like strings of pearls, and she struck no more right notes than was suitable for one of her age and situation. nor was she the passionate young lady, who performs so tragically on a summer's evening with the window open. passion was there, but it could not be easily labelled; ...she loved to play on the side of Victory. Victory of what and over what-that is more than the words of daily life can tell us. but that some sonatas are written tragic no one can gainsay; yet they can triumph or despair as the player decides, and Lucy had decided that they should triumph." -e.m. forster; room with a view

time is now...

i'm in glasgow!

my time has already been so lovely. i'm absolutely enamored with the city and can't believe i get to call this place home. i've been a bit frustrated in my search for a flat. however, that never lasts long when i look out the window and see the rolling countryside of scotland and get the most sincere hugs from dear, amazing, sweet, and kind ami. i'm staying in cumbernauld with ami and her parents. it's about 15 minutes out of glasgow. it's perfectly lovely with horses literally rolling around in massive green hills. i've never seen such happy horses! it was rainy and cold today so i stayed in to read and look up flats. i had a lovely afternoon tea with sandy (ami's dear dad) and he gave me a great rundown on scotland's government and we talked about cultural changes that both of our countries are experiencing and the differences in generations in each culture. i was so thankful that he took the time. after a bit more reading, margaret (ami's sweet mum) took me for a little walk along the river. we talked about all kinds of things from scottish social services to america and the UK's healthcare policies, but also stopped to look at slugs (which look SO different here). when we returned home, margaret poured me a gin and tonic and we watched the scottish military tattoo on bbc for a bit before sandy called us in for dinner. dinner was a vegetarian's dream. he prepared a perfect potato leek soup that i'm still dreaming about, ratatouille, wild mushroom risotto, potato frittes, and thyme baked yukon gold baby potatoes. and then of course we took some tea to top it off.

i. love. scotland.

passion pit.

i'll pray for you.

until my face turns blue.

let your love grow tall.

image: via papertissue.tumblr.com

they spoke as though returning only meant regression.

but these days, you're returning. returning to the journey of becoming a lover. a lover of people, places, days, nature, words, life, hope. you're becoming a lover once again. and it is not a mistake. you are becoming who you are. a lover.

thankful for...

and thinking of jairus today.

i breathed.

once.

twice.

and grew hopeful again.

exceedingly faithful.

love begins with solitude.

and nothing disappears. memories, and love.

they all remain somewhere,

exceedingly faithful.

two hearts.

it's like i have two hearts.

when i'm in love i think, "could this really be love?"

if there's something i want...i wonder, "could it be okay for me to have it?"

even in my being in love, i find myself running away.

even in my running away, i find myself in love.

but this is me.....

growing

into

one.

obedient freedom.

just taking one little...scared...hopeful...trembling "yes" to Him at a time.

can't seem to get enough.

of this guy.

and the beautifullest :: fireworks are burning :: in the sky just for you

all that no one sees...

courage in a kind man.

really rad story on a man who saw it differently, then did something about it.

you have to read about mr. sam singh.

i'll be leaving in the fall.

i got to see dear mr. christian again on wednesday night. it's always such a treat because he doesn't mess around...he gives such an amazing performance every time.

come Live.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." - CS Lewis.

comfort.

Tenniscoats - Baibaba Bimba | A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

sick day. so i'm going to watch this over and over and sleep, dreaming of long walks in japan.

the morning after...

..now i feel changed around

and instead of falling down

i'm standing up the morning after...

-elliott smith, say yes.

in love with this.

the boy in the red & white striped polo means it. right from the heart.

hope for faint-heartedness.

"never be frightened at your own faint-heartedness in attaining love.

don't be frightened overmuch even at your evil actions. i am sorry i can say

nothing more consoling to you, for love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing

compared with love in dreams. love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly

performed and in the sight of all. men will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not

last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on the stage. but

active love is labour and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete

science. but i predict that just when you see with horror that in spite of

all your efforts you are getting farther from your goal instead of

nearer to it-at that very moment i predict that you will

reach it and behold clearly the miraculous power

of the Lord who has been all the time loving

and mysteriously guiding

you.

-father zossima

brothers K.

strong heart.

stay here.

rest for awhile.

until your heart again grows strong.

blowing my mind.

"It doth not yet appear what we shall be." 1 John 3:2

Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We imagine that we have to reach some end, but that is not the nature of spiritual life. The nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty, consequently we do not make our nests anywhere. Common sense says - "Well, supposing I were in that condition . . ." We cannot suppose ourselves in any condition we have never been in. Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time. When we become advocates of a creed, something dies; we do not believe God, we only believe our belief about Him. Jesus said, "Except ye become as little children." Spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next. If we are only certain in our beliefs, we get dignified and severe and have the ban of finality about our views; but when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. -oswald chambers

image from: yatzer.com

so two thousand and late.

what the heck was i doing in 2008 when the acorn was touring the U.S.? missing out. for sure.

for the past couple months i've been swooning over this band from ottawa. their multi-instrumental musical family has me wishing i was a part of their beautiful song-making.

their album glory hope mountain has been pretty epic to me through a good chunk of this year so far.

here's a live performance of one of my favorites of theirs.

ohbijou.

this band is kind of blowing me away in this unexpected but fully deserved way. the instrumentals are beautiful and the mv is insane. check. it. out.

mastic villages.

these images are breathtaking. you can find the article here.

sista sista.

img: papertissue.tumblr.com

i often gag at the word "sisterhood." this, most likely, can be attributed to countless new friends in cali who gawk at the revelation that i, in my college years, was in a sorority.

but lately i've found a new. deep. fresh. gratitude for sisterhood. one in particular has shown me such courage in her willingness to be intimate in friendship, rather than the standard operating girl procedures of : judge & be judged.

she doesn't even know it, but her words, her embrace, her presence, her stories....they've helped me to reclaim my heart. little. by. little.

what a dream you are, mare. what a radical, lovely, hopeful dream.

i work at big brothers big sisters.

and i'm so blessed by it. today, i interviewed a volunteer, who when asked what she would like her Little Sister to know about her, responded: "that i'm out-going...." then she paused....smiled...and said, "and that i like my life."

it was contagious....i smiled and thought about how even though i spent the past year in the longest, coldest winter season of my life...today, i like my life too. i remember long nights spent crying quietly and hours spent on our balcony, lips chapped from the cold wind. and i think how glorious it is that rescue can be so triumphant and sweeping sometimes, but in others...it's so quiet, gentle and sweet.

"Oh dear, oh dear," said Lucy. "And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd let me stay. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away – like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid." "It is hard for you, little one," said Aslan. "But things never happen the same way twice." -prince caspian.

...so i've found.

for love's sake.

if thou must love me, let it be for nought

if thou must love me, let it be for nought
except for love's sake only. do not say-
"i love her for her smile-her look-her way
of speaking gently-for a trick of thought
that falls in well with mine, and certes brought
a sense of pleasant ease-on such a day."-
for these things in themselves, beloved, may
be changed, or change for thee-and love-so wrought,
may be unwrought so. neither love me for
thine own dear pity's wiping my tears dry-
a creature might forget to weep, who bore
thy comfort long, and lose their love thereby!
but love me for love's sake, that evermore
thou may'st love on, through Love's eternity

-elizabeth barrett browning

L o v e inspired b e a u t y.

"we turn not older with years but newer every day." -emily dickinson.

life is very good.

i feel very full and fed. not necessarily on food. just on life's beauty. thank You today.

lost.

today i got lost in the hills of hollywood and at first i really struggled. i panicked and got frustrated with the concept of not being able to get somewhere i was supposed to be. it made me feel like a little child. but then in a moment it shifted. i sat in my car, surrendered and asked for His presence. i opened my eyes and realized i was in one of the most beautiful and still places in the depths of the city. i sat atop the hollywood reservoir. and i happened to have my journal. i ended up journaling for two and a half hours. i may have missed out in some ways, but in other ways, i might have been just where i was supposed to be.

joined the mac revolution.

yeayuh.

king. of. spain.

swooning.

dear suzy,

photo found here.

i had never...

really listened to sun kil moon. but this song keeps popping up in my "tallest man on earth" pandora station and it's starting to really pull me in. i think it has the familiarity of the 90's alternative music i find so comforting.

i live with 7 girls...

so this never happens. but i am officially

HOME ALONE.

and i shouldn't feel so silly about it.

but. i. do.

which makes me realize...scotland will be more challenging than i initially thought.

this solitude i dreamt of...will be deeper and more tangible than

any i've ever. ever. ever. known.

so i'll need so much more of Him.

to fill this void.

in me.

so i go.

i miss it. but there are good, beautiful, real and wonderful things coming. so i go.

last night.

amélie. wrapped up and next to the fireplace. yes, thank you.

it's not about me.

to be alone with you.

Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You - Oct 1/09, Toronto from trendaway on Vimeo.